Things I should not have to witness at the gym.

You all know that one of the highlights of gym-going is people-watching. It's what makes the time go by more quickly while you labor away on the treadmill (which is why it's preferable to attend a gym where the treadmills are in the back of the room, like mine). There are things that make you laugh, stories that you file away in the back of your mind to tell your friends later, and then...there are the things that make you cringe.

I have compiled a list of things I've seen (or heard, or smelled) that just...aren't...right.

• A sweaty man running on the treadmill located directly beneath the fan, raising his arms to said fan to air out his armpits, thereby blowing BO-laden wind toward the unsuspecting people on cardio machines behind him;
• An elderly woman walking on the treadmill while absorbed in a novel, titled "Erotic..." something, picturing two scantily clad people on the front;
• Middle-aged women (OK, any-aged, any gender individuals) farting in the middle of a group exercise class, in a warm, crowded room. Repeatedly. Class after class, week after week;
• Spandex on inappropriate bodies. I know this one is controversial, because yes, people should be able to wear whatever they want. But when you are over 50, and you are wearing only tiny Lycra shorts and a sports bra, and you're well-endowed, and you're jogging on the treadmill, you're attracting attention - and not in a good way. It's not that hot in the gym. There are fans. You can wear a tank top, I promise;
• Sex noises during exercise. I'm not just talking about people lifting heavy weights. I'm talking about grunting and moaning during yoga, and spin class. It's unnecessary, and it makes people uncomfortable;
• Denim during a workout. This one doesn't even bother me all that much, because I can ignore it, but how can someone run on the treadmill in jeans? Can you say chafing? Ouch!;
• Women sitting completely naked (no underwear) on the locker room bench. OK, I admit, I haven't seen this one first-hand, because the locker room is such a hotbed of gym violations that I avoid it at all costs, BUT I know it must happen because my gym actually published a newsletter in which it was suggested that women NOT sit on the benches naked...um, duh?

Occasionally, when I am able to tear myself away from staring at the other gym patrons, I start thinking about what other people might be noticing about me. It leads me to wonder if anyone was watching that time that one of my ear buds fell out, dangled down into the wheel well of the recumbant bike as I pedaled, got wound around it, and accidentally yanked the earphone jack out of the machine...